Someday I will disappear. I will turn into a dog and scamper out of this city, jump from terrace to terrace into the sunset, stumble upon a cave on some holiday and swim into it through phosphorescent water and never come out. I keep thinking of outrageous surroundings a lot these days, a lot of the world around me has lost its charm in a way that isn't as tragic as I'm making it out to be, but it's a little damaging anyway, knowing that it's essentially a matter of proportion. To have your world get smaller and smaller while knowing that the world around this world is an entire universe, I don't know, it's like a gnawing pain. This blog's going through a bad patch but it'll pick up, I don't want to abandon it and it's just a matter of one year. Lets see. This is the summer of my smiles, yes why not.

I haven't slept in 30 hours. It's time I went thieving again. Leaves on benches, bus tickets, rubber bands, pieces of foil on footpath, I shall pick everything up and build up a bagful of things other people have used. I'd like to be sincere and earnest right now but it's so crippling to know that I'd rather be somewhere else. So much debilitation. I love spring and look, Holi's right around the corner, so maybe this weekend will swing things in my favour but till then I'll just have to live with me. I drew on my floor today and Minati di screamed at me. I want to buy paint, I want to buy cheese. I want to do things I haven't done in a bit, paint glass and create cutout smiley figures and collect chocolate wrappers and make phuchkas at home, it's been so long since I made phuchkas.

My camera's conked out, I think I'll die.

Lonely Planet mentions Iceland in a list that has to do with places where one can hope to find romance in the world. I need money so badly but no use whining, it's not like I'm a hermit. Maybe if I stop eating at college I'll save and lose weight at the same time but that's just another plan. If it weren't so much trouble and didn't involve meeting so many people I'd become an entrepreneur. If it weren't so much trouble I'd be someone else altogether. If it weren't such a royal pain I'd capitalise and promote because one can't study all the time if one's no good at it, can one, and then maybe I'd do something big and have really cool footwear. Whatever. I'm going to not think of this and go eat dinner. Maybe I'll write something gory later if I'm still feeling miserable, or take a bath, no guesses as to which will take precedence.

I write more in my drafts everyday but the Publish button hates me. I'm afraid of writing a lot these days for fear of lack of direction. One is supposed to have direction by now. Like a straight straight arrow. Two years ago I wanted the world to know everything about me and now it scares me that I might meet someone who thinks I'm their best friend because of it. I think I'll go back to the start. Write poetry. Use adjectives like azure and verdurous and put exclamation marks wherever I can. Will you go away then? I like this blog, please don't stop me liking it by liking it too. A durrpoke goes both ways and is, at the end of the day, a Durrpoke.

Sometimes if I'm eating something that is small and round, like Fatafat, or those round white sugary things they give as prasad at temples that look like not quite clouds and not quite cauliflowers (the prasad, not the temples), I like putting a handful into my mouth and then pushing them up above my jaw and wedging them between the inside of my upper lip and the gums above my teeth, just underneath my nostrils. It's not as dangerous as putting peanuts up your nose. I like how it makes me look suddenly different. As a kid I thought I looked like Hanuman. Today I thought of wedging five in a row in front of both my upper and lower teeth with the idea that I'd look like Kalki Koechlin or something. No such luck, Hanuman perseveres.

This year I don't feel like fireworks. I don't know why. Some part of me should have collapsed and started sobbing brokenly at this but I don't know why and that is more bothersome. If Diwali comes, can Holi be far behind? It is a hawrawr.