Twenty Ways to Insult a Nose

DE GUICHE: Will no one put him down?
THE VISCOUNT: No one? But wait!
  I'll treat him to ... one of my quips! See here! 

(He goes up to Cyrano, who is watching him. With a conceited air):
  Sir, your nose is - hmm - it is... very big!

CYRANO (gravely): Very!

THE VISCOUNT (laughing): Ha!

CYRANO (imperturbably): Is that all?

THE VISCOUNT: What do you mean?

CYRANO: Ah no, young blade!  That was a trifle short!
 You might have said at least a hundred things
 By varying the tone... like this, suppose,

 Aggressive:  'Sir, if I had such a nose
 I'd amputate it!'  

 Friendly:  'When you sup
 It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;
 You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!'
 

 Descriptive:  ''Tis a rock! a peak! a cape!
 --A cape, forsooth!  'Tis a peninsular!'
 

 Curious:  'How serves that oblong capsular?
 For scissor-sheath?  Or pot to hold your ink?'
 

 Gracious:  'You love the little birds, I think?
 I see you've managed with a fond research
 To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!'
 

 Truculent:  'When you smoke your pipe ... suppose
 That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--
 Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,
 Cry terror-struck:  "The chimney is afire"?'
 

 Considerate:  'Take care, your head bowed low
 By such a weight, lest head o'er heels you go!'
 

 Tender:  'Pray get a small umbrella made,
 Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!'
 

 Pedantic:  'That beast Aristophanes
 Names Hippocamelelephantoles
 Must have possessed just such a solid lump
 Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!'
 

 Cavalier:  'The last fashion, friend, that hook?
 To hang your hat on?  'Tis a useful crook!'
 

 Emphatic:  'No wind, O majestic nose,
 Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!'
 

 Dramatic:  'When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!'
 

 Admiring:  'Sign for a perfumery!'
 

 Lyric:  'Is this a conch? a Triton you?'
 

 Simple:  'When is the monument on view?'
 

 Rustic:  'That thing a nose?  Marry-come-up!
 'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!'
 

 Military:  'Point against cavalry!'
 

 Practical:  'Put it in a lottery!
 Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!'
 Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ...
 'Behold the nose that mars the harmony
 Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!'
 --Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,

-Edmond Rostand, from Cyrano de Bergerac

Big noses FTW. Mine especially =)